Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
we're so committed to being not committed
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
