he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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