you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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