Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
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