We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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