question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
