I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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