a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
What drink are we having for lunch?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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