Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
