it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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