those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
