Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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