somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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