I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
