so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
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