dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
