I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
