I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
