listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
