I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
