They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
