Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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