You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
