forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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