I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
