he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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