He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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