dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
