Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
