im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
it's not cheating when I paid for it
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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