I cannot find my penis.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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