Jerry, you need to find god
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
