I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize