its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
