she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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