im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
