Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
