So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
