Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Randomize
