I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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