i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
