4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
