I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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