when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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