In the future we'll all be gay
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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