a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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