This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
