the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
