Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
