somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
