Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
