I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
