Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize