got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
