I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
