seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
